I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
