My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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