Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
