it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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