Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
