you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
