some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Pooping to opera.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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