I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
