I can text with my tongue
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
