Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
