tell your sister to shave her snatch
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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