My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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