my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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