apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
