I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
