if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
