I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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