listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
