Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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