What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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