I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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