I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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