Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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