I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
