he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
