You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh god it's open bar.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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