When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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