I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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