i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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