you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
