Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
