I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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