So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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