I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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