I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Welp...herpes.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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