Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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