my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'd cum for enchiladas.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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