**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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