Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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