Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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