i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
