I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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