Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
