my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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