After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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