Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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