forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
