so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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