I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
