That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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