how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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