Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize