just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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