he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
