you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
