Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
as a side note pls kill me
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
