I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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