ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
