I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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