Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
