My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
