I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
