I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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