Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You ruined the universe
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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