just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
