He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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