I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
